Loneliness (A Poem by Amanda Best)

This last fall I experienced betrayal of the trust I placed in another person, when I was manipulated and lied to by this person. This betrayal of trust caused me to experience many of the emotions and "events" that are spoken of in this poem. The fear spoken of was a result of the betrayal of trust that I placed in this person. The inability to accept the love offered to me by another person refers to my need to protect myself from being hurt again, despite knowing that this second person would never do something like what the first person did. The silence resulted from not knowing who I could trust, from not receiving the support that I needed from the people that I needed it most from, as well as being told that a great deal of what this first person did to me was my fault because I trusted him in the first place. The image and movie spoken of are that of seeing and speaking to the first person only days before he would betray me. The memory spoken of is actually more than one memory. It is of the memories that were accumulated over a four month period of time when despite all my efforts to build a wall between the first person and myself when I first met him. He was charming and he used that charm against me. He was able to deceive me with his lies to the point that I let my guard down so greatly that when I found out the truth, it nearly destroyed me. The scars are a reference to his flippant disregard for certain aspects of life that are serious, regardless of the person who experiences them. The scars were from his deceit and his disregard for the pain he knew he caused me. The dying heart refers to the part of me that died when I realized how misplaced my trust in the first person was. The child spoken of is a flashback to who I was before I met the person who nearly destroyed me. Naïve, blind, and stupid. The child is also part of the memories that were accumulated over last summer before this person betrayed me. I have since realized that although his motives were borderline sadistic in nature, I could use his motives as a way to become a better writer.

As Always,
Amanda

ENJOY!

Loneliness
--Amanda Best
There is a loneliness deep in my soul,
And it robs me of the ability,
To trust to those that love me.
There is a hatred rooted in my loneliness,
And it robs me of the ability,
To forgive you of the hurt caused me.
There is a sadness dwelling in my hatred,
And it robs me of the ability,
To believe you once cared about me.
There is a rage lurking in my sadness,
And it robs me of the ability,
To help the lives of those who need me.
There is a fear swimming in my rage,
And it robs me of the ability,
To accept the love another offers me.
There is a silence thriving in my fear,
And it robs me of the ability,
To hear you apologize to me.
There is a blindness living in my silence,
And it robs me of the ability,
To see the peace that will heal me.
There is an image burning in my blindness,
And it robs me of the ability,
To look past the pain you caused me.
There is a memory surfacing from that burning image,
And it robs me of the ability,
To forget the lies you told me.
There is a movie playing in my memory,
And it robs me of the ability,
To prevent your betrayal from scarring me.
There is a dying heart beating in that movie,
And it robs me of the ability,
To live the life meant for me.
There is a child fading in my dying heart,
And she is longing to break free,
To be understood and accepted.